I've made two visits to New York in the last week. My mother was diagnosed with severe liver disease near the end of the summer and last week was placed into the "Comfort Care" program at her Nursing Home in Montrose, NY. I was able to see her in the middle of last week when she was still conscious and it was wonderful to have her... despite extreme weakness, still be herself. There was a lot of good closure as we reflected on the love she gave and received throughout her life.
By Friday she had lapsed into semi-consciousness and we really thought the end was imminent. But she's still here and it's Wednesday. My family arrived Saturday night to help my dad and sisters with the vigil. She, still, after being moved every two hours opens her eyes and seems to blink in response to our talking to her. Then she glazes over and seems to sleep. We know she's still in there and so we keep talking and knowing she's listening to us. The time becomes even more precious, as difficult as it is.
So I'm back in Maryland for a few days, calling my sisters every couple of hours and finishing the loose ends for the funeral. I'm mostly numb already, with moments of clarity and brief moments of great sadness. I've been blessed, on so many levels and ways, by my mother through my 58 of her 82 years but I'm really going to miss her repeating herself, her indignation, her modesty, the forbidden-ness of cursing around her, and mostly her unconditional love...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
An Amazing Pastoral Moment
I paid a visit yesterday to a 93 year old member who is going into hospice today. I've known him for about three years since his son died. He's a really sweet, wonderful soul who despite the death of his first wife, which made him a single parent of two young boys and more recently the premature death of both of his sons, has an amazing, optimistic approach to life. We talked about his last days, things he'd like at his funeral, and then with relatively little prompting spoke about the joys of his life: his family growing up, hard work, his children and especially his wife of now 45 years. It's always amazing but when a life is full and rich (even with the lows) there is sometimes a calm acceptance. This kind man feels his life is complete and is accepting of whatever comes next.
Then the conversation flowed into what he wished had happened differently. He spoke about his sometimes rocky relationships with his own sons, which were fortunately partially healed before their untimely deaths. And then he started to talk about his regret that he wasn't close to his grandchildren; the personalities and experiences which made those family relationships so difficult. In this moment, the doorbell rings and his 40 year old grandson comes into the room. After introductions the conversation continues including the grandson ... both articulate regret, understanding of the realities of the past, and their love for each other. There was not a dry eye in the room.
Many people never find the words to say their sorry, if they had to do it again... they would have tried it another way and that they still truly love. You hear stories of those who are able to heal relationship just before the end. I got to share in one yesterday that has several more weeks of good conversation, precious times together and unconditional love.
Then the conversation flowed into what he wished had happened differently. He spoke about his sometimes rocky relationships with his own sons, which were fortunately partially healed before their untimely deaths. And then he started to talk about his regret that he wasn't close to his grandchildren; the personalities and experiences which made those family relationships so difficult. In this moment, the doorbell rings and his 40 year old grandson comes into the room. After introductions the conversation continues including the grandson ... both articulate regret, understanding of the realities of the past, and their love for each other. There was not a dry eye in the room.
Many people never find the words to say their sorry, if they had to do it again... they would have tried it another way and that they still truly love. You hear stories of those who are able to heal relationship just before the end. I got to share in one yesterday that has several more weeks of good conversation, precious times together and unconditional love.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tzimtzum Professionally
Internet is back at work!
Last Shabbat we read triennial cycle for Yitro. I missed the Ten Commandments, but am always fascinated by Yitro/Jethro and his sage advice to Moses. Moses wanted to do it all! He had the most special connection to God and wanted to share it with everyone. But it can't be done... no one person can serve and touch everyone in a large community. Moses learns that he has to share his gift with others - to educate and facilitate for others to also be connectors to God.
It's a difficult and critical lesson for Moses the "First Rabbi" and almost all of us for the last 3000 years. We can set the tone, we can help with the major decisions, but we can't do it all. We have to train and inspire others to share the joys of study, worship and acts of justice and kindness. The more we empower others to do Jewishly for themselves, the more we can engage members and non-members around Jewish life, the richer and stronger our Jewish world will be. Less of the rabbi doing and more of knowledgeable and passionate Jews doing ... the better our community.
Last Shabbat we read triennial cycle for Yitro. I missed the Ten Commandments, but am always fascinated by Yitro/Jethro and his sage advice to Moses. Moses wanted to do it all! He had the most special connection to God and wanted to share it with everyone. But it can't be done... no one person can serve and touch everyone in a large community. Moses learns that he has to share his gift with others - to educate and facilitate for others to also be connectors to God.
It's a difficult and critical lesson for Moses the "First Rabbi" and almost all of us for the last 3000 years. We can set the tone, we can help with the major decisions, but we can't do it all. We have to train and inspire others to share the joys of study, worship and acts of justice and kindness. The more we empower others to do Jewishly for themselves, the more we can engage members and non-members around Jewish life, the richer and stronger our Jewish world will be. Less of the rabbi doing and more of knowledgeable and passionate Jews doing ... the better our community.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Last Shabbat's Drash (summary)
With all the insertions for Shabbat Shirah last weekend, I didn't have time to give the dvar torah. What I had prepared was adapted from Rabbi Jack Reimer. He was reflecting on the Deborah Story in the Haftarah. Deborah's husband Lapidot (mentioned at the beginning of the selection) was amazing in his time (and maybe in our day too).
Although the text doesn't say one way or the other, for homiletic purposes: Lapidot apparently allowed (and maybe encouraged) Deborah to be a judge, a prophet and military leader. She even composes a song of celebration for the victory of the Canaanites. I'd like to think he reveled in his wife's achievements.
The second story which completes the first is Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsbergs's husband, Marvin (z"l). He was one of the top experts in tax law in our country teaching for many years at Columbia University. When Ruth was nominated, he lobbied his acquaintances in Congress and when she was approved, he resigned from Columbia, moved to DC and basked in her achievement.
Second part of this story: when they got married, Marvin discovered that Ruth was a lousy cook. He loved working in the kitchen. Since he could do it better than she could, he took of kitchen duty and cooked meals for the more than 50 years they were married.
When Marvin Ginsburg was asked how he felt about his wife's achievements and his kitchen duties, he said: "It's not a matter of feminism or not feminism, It's a matter pragmatism. Whoever can do the job better and whoever has the time to do it is the one who should do whatever has to be done. It is that simple."
That's a wonderful thought about relationships. It's not about money, or ego, or power; it's about sharing the responsibilities of life and finding the strength and time to meet the needs of the home where the relationship is nurtured.
Although the text doesn't say one way or the other, for homiletic purposes: Lapidot apparently allowed (and maybe encouraged) Deborah to be a judge, a prophet and military leader. She even composes a song of celebration for the victory of the Canaanites. I'd like to think he reveled in his wife's achievements.
The second story which completes the first is Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsbergs's husband, Marvin (z"l). He was one of the top experts in tax law in our country teaching for many years at Columbia University. When Ruth was nominated, he lobbied his acquaintances in Congress and when she was approved, he resigned from Columbia, moved to DC and basked in her achievement.
Second part of this story: when they got married, Marvin discovered that Ruth was a lousy cook. He loved working in the kitchen. Since he could do it better than she could, he took of kitchen duty and cooked meals for the more than 50 years they were married.
When Marvin Ginsburg was asked how he felt about his wife's achievements and his kitchen duties, he said: "It's not a matter of feminism or not feminism, It's a matter pragmatism. Whoever can do the job better and whoever has the time to do it is the one who should do whatever has to be done. It is that simple."
That's a wonderful thought about relationships. It's not about money, or ego, or power; it's about sharing the responsibilities of life and finding the strength and time to meet the needs of the home where the relationship is nurtured.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
How was God born?
This Shabbas during Kiddush an 8-year old had a serious question: how was God born?
Great question ... everything we know in the physical world has a beginning and an end. Even the universe itself, we theorize, began in the "Big Bang" billions of years ago. That is the nature of the material universe - things come into existence, age, and stop existing.
God though (I explained) is different and unique. God is incorporeal, completely spiritual, without the physical that begins and ends. God existed before the Universe began and will exist after the Universe stops (if this is what will happen). This is one of the things that makes God God - God is, outside the physical. This is probably what God's Name, YHWH, means: "I am" or "I am and I will be."
The closest metaphor to understand this is LOVE. For us love exists with a physical source (ex. parents). But when the source of the love dies, the love lives on. My grandparents are gone many years now - but their love is still a part of me and I still feel it powerfully, almost every day. Spiritual qualities exist beyond physical realities - God is the source of this fundamental aspect of life.
No one truly understands what God is. But we do experience God because we also have a spiritual side to our minds. When we say that God is ONE (Shema Yisrael) we are affirming that God has no parts, no physicality and that because God is spirit - God truly is ONE.
Great question ... everything we know in the physical world has a beginning and an end. Even the universe itself, we theorize, began in the "Big Bang" billions of years ago. That is the nature of the material universe - things come into existence, age, and stop existing.
God though (I explained) is different and unique. God is incorporeal, completely spiritual, without the physical that begins and ends. God existed before the Universe began and will exist after the Universe stops (if this is what will happen). This is one of the things that makes God God - God is, outside the physical. This is probably what God's Name, YHWH, means: "I am" or "I am and I will be."
The closest metaphor to understand this is LOVE. For us love exists with a physical source (ex. parents). But when the source of the love dies, the love lives on. My grandparents are gone many years now - but their love is still a part of me and I still feel it powerfully, almost every day. Spiritual qualities exist beyond physical realities - God is the source of this fundamental aspect of life.
No one truly understands what God is. But we do experience God because we also have a spiritual side to our minds. When we say that God is ONE (Shema Yisrael) we are affirming that God has no parts, no physicality and that because God is spirit - God truly is ONE.
Shabbat's Bo Sermonette
This week in the triennial cycle of Parshat Bo, we read the last plagues: Locusts, Darkness and the introduction to the Death of the First Born.
My colleague, Vernon Kurtz, posted on line an interesting drash this past Shabbat. Exodus Rabbah, in one of its passages, suggests that darkness fell upon some Israelites as well. These were individuals who “had Egyptian patrons and lived in affluence and honor and were unwilling to leave. So G-d said: ‘If I bring upon them publicly a plague from which they will die, the Egyptians will say: ‘Just as it has passed over us so it has passed over them.’” Therefore G-d brought darkness upon the Egyptians for three days, so that the Israelites should bury their dead without their enemies seeing them, and for this they should praise G-d.
There were two aspects which I riffed from his remarks in the Chicago Jewish News. First, part of human nature is to often see the darkness instead of the light. Only after times of crisis and true agonizing darkness do we sometimes realize the blessings we enjoy. "Survivors" often realize and appreciate life and stop taking the little things, like friends and loved ones, which are really important for granted. The Israelites described in the midrash above were enveloped in a darkness of their own design - they couldn't see anyone but themselves. On the other hand, the Israelites who "had light in their dwellings," had feelings of mutual concern and responsibility for each other. One of the great sources of light in our lives is sharing our pain and then hopefully also our joy with friends and family. God's light flows in our relationships with those around us. And I often find that my spiritual batteries, when low, are recharged by reaching out and helping someone else. More often than not I gain energy when I touch another soul.
We live in a stressful time. The normal pressures of 21st Century living have been increased with our present economic circumstance. One of the best ways to cope is to be sure that we have spiritual light in our lives: helping those in need, good times with friends, caring for our loved ones... these insure that we enjoy that light that is always there for us to tap into.
My colleague, Vernon Kurtz, posted on line an interesting drash this past Shabbat. Exodus Rabbah, in one of its passages, suggests that darkness fell upon some Israelites as well. These were individuals who “had Egyptian patrons and lived in affluence and honor and were unwilling to leave. So G-d said: ‘If I bring upon them publicly a plague from which they will die, the Egyptians will say: ‘Just as it has passed over us so it has passed over them.’” Therefore G-d brought darkness upon the Egyptians for three days, so that the Israelites should bury their dead without their enemies seeing them, and for this they should praise G-d.
There were two aspects which I riffed from his remarks in the Chicago Jewish News. First, part of human nature is to often see the darkness instead of the light. Only after times of crisis and true agonizing darkness do we sometimes realize the blessings we enjoy. "Survivors" often realize and appreciate life and stop taking the little things, like friends and loved ones, which are really important for granted. The Israelites described in the midrash above were enveloped in a darkness of their own design - they couldn't see anyone but themselves. On the other hand, the Israelites who "had light in their dwellings," had feelings of mutual concern and responsibility for each other. One of the great sources of light in our lives is sharing our pain and then hopefully also our joy with friends and family. God's light flows in our relationships with those around us. And I often find that my spiritual batteries, when low, are recharged by reaching out and helping someone else. More often than not I gain energy when I touch another soul.
We live in a stressful time. The normal pressures of 21st Century living have been increased with our present economic circumstance. One of the best ways to cope is to be sure that we have spiritual light in our lives: helping those in need, good times with friends, caring for our loved ones... these insure that we enjoy that light that is always there for us to tap into.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The Changing Synagogue
The synagogue has been the central institution of Jewish life for nearly 2000 years. Today it is (as has occurred in the past) grappling with serious change. While the synagogue has long been a center of worship, study and social relationship - the needs of the 21st Century constituency are different from those of the 2nd half of the 20th Century.
The synagogue I grew up in during the 60s - was a large edifice, with a 3-day a week Hebrew school, an awe-inspiring Sanctuary, and a diverse program of learning (mostly with the rabbi). For my parents it was a place to see friends: for study groups, for holidays, and for social events (New Year's, etc.). My parents wanted this kind of community and their friend network (along with childhood friends) was and is central to who they are.
There is better writing on this than I can articulate, but today we live in multiple communities, spiritually and technologically. We have recreational, cultural, intellectual and spiritual networks that are not all serviced by a synagogue. Fewer people seek out a synagogue to be their primary social community. Most people join a synagogue today for a particular service: early childhood education, for a Bnai Mitzvah or to have a rabbi on retainer. It appears that most young families are looking for smaller, more intimate experiences with their contemporaries in general - and certain not a "big box" experience where everyone does everything together.
Especially in this economic downturn, synagogues are stressed to meet their financial needs. Large buildings, great professional staffs and diverse programs used to be maintained by people who wanted the community to be there and meet diverse needs.
The synagogue today is looking to transform itself. For decades we have constructed amazing facilities and people came ("If you build it they will come!"). Today technologically, socially and spiritual we are seeking new ways to make synagogue more accessible, more personalized, more integral to the lives on our members. I hope this reflects a shift of the spiritual pendulum - synagogues will empower the home and families to be more the center of Jewish life.
The synagogue I grew up in during the 60s - was a large edifice, with a 3-day a week Hebrew school, an awe-inspiring Sanctuary, and a diverse program of learning (mostly with the rabbi). For my parents it was a place to see friends: for study groups, for holidays, and for social events (New Year's, etc.). My parents wanted this kind of community and their friend network (along with childhood friends) was and is central to who they are.
There is better writing on this than I can articulate, but today we live in multiple communities, spiritually and technologically. We have recreational, cultural, intellectual and spiritual networks that are not all serviced by a synagogue. Fewer people seek out a synagogue to be their primary social community. Most people join a synagogue today for a particular service: early childhood education, for a Bnai Mitzvah or to have a rabbi on retainer. It appears that most young families are looking for smaller, more intimate experiences with their contemporaries in general - and certain not a "big box" experience where everyone does everything together.
Especially in this economic downturn, synagogues are stressed to meet their financial needs. Large buildings, great professional staffs and diverse programs used to be maintained by people who wanted the community to be there and meet diverse needs.
The synagogue today is looking to transform itself. For decades we have constructed amazing facilities and people came ("If you build it they will come!"). Today technologically, socially and spiritual we are seeking new ways to make synagogue more accessible, more personalized, more integral to the lives on our members. I hope this reflects a shift of the spiritual pendulum - synagogues will empower the home and families to be more the center of Jewish life.
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